The end of romance

I was always a romantic, even as a kid.  All my favorite songs on the radio had to do with love.  Sure it was bubble-gum, teenage, unrealistic love.  But that's what I liked.  I wasn't a fan of protest songs, deep-meaning songs, psychedelic songs, etc. I just liked love songs.  Even now I would say almost all of my favorite CDs and mp3s are about love.

So I grew up with the idea of love as being a wonderful goal: meet someone special, fall in love, get married, live happily ever after.  I know that for many people that isn't the way things turn out.  Sometimes ”the special one” turns out not to be “the special one”.  Sometimes feelings change over time.  Sometimes you have just made a bad choice.

But despite all that I was a romantic at heart.  I enjoyed buying little gifts for no reason.  I enjoyed spending a long time picking out the perfect Birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day, or Anniversary gift.  I would write long poems expressing my love.  I have done this for years. 

I knew their favorite meal, their favorite flower, their favorite perfume.  I tried to help as much as I could to keep our home as nice as possible for them. 

When illness struck I was right there every minute.  During dark times I would try to sleep as little as possible so that nothing would happen while I slept.  Because you do that when you love someone. The numbers of hours I have spent in waiting rooms, emergency rooms, and visiting wards would be in the thousands.  And I don't regret one minute.  I would write little notes to try to cheer them up.  For over 40 years I have been in love with a “special” someone, and I still am.  I always will be.

But I am not a romantic anymore.

I was so busy being a foolish romantic for so long that I missed a lot of obvious things.  While I was buying romantic gifts for Valentines Day, if I received anything back it was usually of a “practical” nature.  A piece of furniture we needed, a tool they could use.  While I tried to find more things to do together as a couple, their interest was a nice bath followed by watching some TV, usually old reruns.

Though she has always been beautiful to me, when I would try to be romantic I was told I was overweight and that was a turn-off.  When I lost the weight I was told that they felt overweight and that was turn-off to them also.

But the romanticism remained.   I still wanted each day to be a little special for them.  A special treat from the kitchen, maybe some flowers from the yard.  But the reciprocal effort never happened. It didn't bother me, but I was surprised.

We had three wonderful children and they became the excuse to hold back the displays of affection.  I would walk up and give a big hug, only to get a gentle push away, because the kids were there.   Gift giving became about the kids, not each other.  I would still try to find the perfect gift for her while the gifts to me became an afterthought.  I could tell it was often a matter of they forgot and grabbed the first (or last) thing that they came to in the store.

I took her for special nights out, just the two of us.  We would go to dinner and then get a nice hotel room while the kids were babysat.  I quit doing that when each time she would say how she really appreciated the chance to get some sleep without the kids making any noise.  And promptly go to sleep.

She began to have serious mental issues following the birth of our children.  But that didn't change my love for her.  If anything it intensified it.  She was hurting and I wanted to do anything to make it better. She would say very hurtful things to me and the kids , but I blamed the illness. 

But then several years ago she started to say things that weren't due to her illness.  In an idle conversation with just my kids she said that the reason she married me was that her home-life was terrible and she would have done anything to get out of it.  Her father had left the family years before and her mother and siblings lived together.  At that time there wasn't any abuse going on or any other things that aren't typical of teen angst.  But telling my kids (not me) that the reason she married me was just to escape her mother's home hurt. They told me what she said. She never did.

But I hung in there; I guess believing that over the years she had developed the same deep feelings for me that I have for her. 

But then I also noticed that any time I had a health issue or got sick it became a competition to show that she was really sicker than I was.  Or even the kids.  Even when I had my pacemaker put in my daughter spent more time at the hospital than she did.

And the gifts for special occasions or holidays?  While I still looked for something that truly said how special she was to me, her gifts to me became even less so.  Finally for the last few years she told me to pick out my own gift because I was too hard to shop for.  I did that a couple of times, but then decided that that defeated the whole purpose of gift giving.

Then this year on our anniversary I got nothing from her.  She said that she looked on eBay but didn't see anything I would like.  Since she spends hours everyday on eBay buying stuff for herself I found that odd.  She also said that I should find something I want and get it.  Which I won't do anymore.  I would have even been happy with a gift card from a favorite store.  But no.  It is now two weeks later and no gift, no further mention of any gift.

But even then my romanticism still hung in there.  I still love her.  She still says she loves me, though it mostly sounds like an automatic response; the kind of thing you say as you hang up on a sibling or other relative.  No real thought behind it.

But I was hanging on to the last of that romanticism when today she excitedly told me that she sold something on eBay!  I asked what it was and she said it was her wedding ring.  I thought she was joking, but she said no.  She had put it on eBay and sold it.  And she was very happy to have sold it.

When she could tell I was upset that she would sell her wedding ring, she said that since she gained weight it didn’t fit anyway and she had other rings she could wear on her ring finger.

That is how much her wedding ring meant to her.  Just another thing to sell on eBay so she could buy more stuff.

I still love her.  I assume she still has some feelings for me.  She isn't mean or abusive to me.  But the romantic me is gone.  No more overly sweet love songs for me.

When I say not right now I might mean no

I believe in prayer. I have faith in its power. And I know that God works many miracles in my life. Some I have seen; many more I am unaware of. He has blessed me and answered my prayers in more ways then I could ever count.

But what if you pray and pray about something and it appears that you don't get an answer? I don't mean praying for something like money or a car (no matter how badly needed) but a prayer for guidance or direction. A prayer that asks if what you are doing is the right thing or asking that, if not, God letting you know that you need to change course.

How do you know if God is saying “no” or if He is saying “not right now”? In my own case I am praying to God to lead me to where I should look for work in my chosen profession. I am not asking Him to find me a job. I just need direction or encouragement to keep looking. But nothing is happening. I keep applying for the same few jobs with the same results. I don't make it past the application review. I understand that the economy couldn't be worse for someone entering a field that they have very limited experience in, but I still need to find that first job in the field.

But what if God is answering my prayers and is just saying “no”? Maybe in his great plan for me I am not meant to work in this field. I always end my prayers with the phrase ”above all else, Thy will be done”. It could be that I am trying to get a job that is not what God wants for me. So then He is answering my prayers, just not in the way I hoped He would. If so, I need to immediately rethink my career possibilities, taking into consideration my education and experience.

Or what if God's answer is “not right now”? I have a lot of responsibilities in my life right now. I am the sole transportation for several people to get to doctor's appointments and to and from school. I also am the back-up plan for some people to get to work. In addition, I also need to run the kind of errands that require me to go to offices or businesses during the daytime hours. In many cases only I can do this. And I also am still dealing with the occasional health issues of my own, such as my recent 3 day hospital stay. What if God is answering me by saying “not right now; you are needed more elsewhere”? I don't want to finally get a job in my chosen profession only to lose it because my outside responsibilities keep interfering with the job. That would make it even harder to get the next job. If this is God's answer then I should just stress less and keep job hunting but not feel like every rejection is another brick in the wall to a job.

So how do I know what God's answer is? I trust God; it is my own failure to understand His answer that is making me uncertain and worried. We are “okay” for now on money, but that is not going to last forever.

“God moves in a mysterious way, his wonders to perform” William Cowper (1731-1800).

I just need a hint.