The eyes

I looked into his eyes
As he stood in line at the Food Bank.
There was so much to see
His story was there to read, if you looked.

He never spoke to anyone
And no one in the building spoke to him.
It was obviously what he wanted.
He just stands silently; alone in the crowd.

He is neatly dressed
Though his jeans are a little ragged.
His cares don't include his jeans
Many, too many, other things occupy his mind.

No one there knows how
He lost job last year just before Christmas.
No explanation, no justification
Just another person blocking someone else's path.

The job hunt began immediately
Little response and few interviews resulted
But no one ever give a reason
But, in his eyes, you could see what he felt.

Maybe his references were bad
Or it might be his age worked against him
He had passed sixty years
And a lifetime of experience now meant nothing.

The money is getting tight
His unemployment checks have stopped
So he started to use his savings.
That didn't last long and he started to panic.

Several people depend on him
He can't let them down or let them worry
He borrowed from family
But that was humbling and wouldn't last.

He still applies for jobs
Sending the same resumes to the same people.
His hope is fading away
His faith is strong, but doesn't pay the bills.

Some people care about him
And worry that he is giving in or giving up.
But the one who should care
Is annoyed by his concerns and tunes him out.

He feels she blames him
For the plight he is in and the problems he faces
This adds to his loneliness
He keeps more of his hurt and fear to himself.

So now he stands in line
For free food to feed himself and his family.
He never thought this was his fate
And he doesn't know what tomorrow will bring.

So waits his turn, silent
Avoiding any interaction with others.
He doesn't feel he is above them
He instead feels lost and alone, and confused.

He doesn't know how he got here
Or if things will get better or just get worse.
But he doesn't want you to judge him
For he spends all his time, judging himself.

His eyes show it all.
If you only look.

Thoughts While Falling

Thoughts While Falling


You find that its 'into the abyss” as they say
Whoever “they” are.
I am certain that they are not
The ones who fell into the abyss.

They are not the ones
Who went over the precipice
And now have time to think
About anything and everything.

“They” also say that time slows down
At moments like this.
Though, again, how would “they” know
As no one sends back a report from the abyss.

The mind would probably panic first,
Though that is a totally useless action.
There is no need to make a plan
The ending of the fall is already a certainty.

Then will thoughts turn to loved ones?
Those who will miss you
And who you would miss, but won't.
Because, again, the outcome precludes sentiments.

Would you think about your actions
Leading up to the fall?
You can't change anything you did.
And a warning to others is not possible.

Perhaps you would look back over your life
Reliving the joys and sorrows.
But reveling in one's personal history
Seems more likely in the afterlife.

Maybe your thoughts would turn to
What you left undone.
Did you tell anyone know where you put the
Life insurance policy? That would be helpful.

But then you remember that you are falling
So its not really your concern.
Neither is whether the bills are all paid
And if anyone will remember that trash day is tomorrow.

You could think about the fact no one was there
To see you fall into the precipice.
How long will it take for someone to realize
That you were no longer present?

And will they think that it was intentional
Or just poor footing on a rock.
Whatever they decide will definitely impact
The eulogy at your funeral.

Or would you just eventually relax
And “go with the flow”.
The outcome is set in stone, so to speak
So you might as well enjoy the show.

Happy Enough

Happy Enough


Have you ever been asked
“Are you happy?”
Can you give an instant reply?
No hesitation?
Unequivocal ?
“Yes, I'm happy.”

I am envious of your certainty.
“Am I happy?”
Time and life's circumstances
Make me hesitate
Equivocate.
“I'm happy enough.”

There were times in my life I could have said
“Yes, I'm happy.”
My marriage.
The birth of my children.
Their college graduation.
“Yes, I was happy.”


But experiences and loss can change that.
“Are you still happy?”
Dreams die, unaccomplished..
Goals are out of reach.
Relationships change.
“What is happy?”

The future still holds promise in some ways.
“Can you be happy?”
Yes, when my children marry.
When they have children of their own.
When they reach their dreams.
“I will be happy.”

But today, at this moment, it's complicated.
“Are you happy?”
I see more endings.
And fewer beginnings.
I have to consider all of my life to this point. So...
“I'm happy enough.”


Will Hansen, 2014.

43 years later

Grab me a bus, 2.0



If you'll grab me a bus,
I'll still say thank you.
But I won't put Wi-Fi in it.
Or blog it.
Or digitize it.
Or photo shop it.
Or put an avatar on it.
Or move it from 'meatspace'.

Or write your name on the back.

I'll just put it on all social networks
And drive it.



Will Hansen
2014

terminated

Today is almost 2 months since I was terminated. That sounds so much more final than fired. And I feel terminated.

My department manager called me in without warning to her office. Waiting in her office was one of the Human Resources people. I love the way that all the humans in a company are just more company resources, like printer paper or the vans that sit outside. Easily attained, easily disposed of, easily replaced.

The human resource person handed me a letter that told me that effective immediately I was terminated. There had been no discussions leading up to this moment. My department manager even gave me a card the day before thanking me for all my hard work in helping the Community Re-entry Program become a success. And the letter didn't shed any further light on the subject. It simply stated that I “had not met expectations”. No examples, no list of expectations; just that I had not met them, whatever they were. For all I know the expectation may have been that I would create a new source of energy between visiting clients. Or the expectation might have been that I “cure” all of my clients by my one year anniversary in this position. I went back and reread my job description and did not find any expectations that I had not met, successfully. Was there a super secret list of expectations for all employees that is locked in a safe somewhere in the building?

I was stunned by this action. I found myself speechless and unprepared to respond. How does one prepare for such vagaries? How does one work towards unseen or unknown goals and expectations?

I think they knew they were way out on a limb with my termination, as the human resource person rapidly stated that they would not contest my unemployment claim, they would pay me two weeks severance, and pay me for all my unused vacation time (almost 3 weeks; I only took a few days off in 2 years). But I was absolutely terminated, fired, expelled, regurgitated from the company and I was to get my things and leave immediately.

It has taken me two months to get to the point where I can begin to examine this occurrence. It doesn't help that this was done 2 weeks before Christmas. I did not detect a note of urgency being attached to my dismissal. It has taken them over 50 days to fill my vacated position. I knew that my department manager was not fond of me within a few months of my joining the department. But I did not realize the extent to which her animosity towards me had grown or why.

I was the “go to” guy on the team. Any unexpected problems arose I was the one who went and took care of them. From meeting clients at the state prison to taking them to urgent care, from driving a client who had been incontinent back to his motel room to counseling the pedophile client that no one else wanted anything to do with. And I didn’t complain. I liked pour clients. Even the ones with hostility issues towards whites or mental disorders that made them part of the lowest caste in our country. I liked working with them in jails, in prisons, in drug ridden parts of town, in mental facilities that were little more than warehouse for the mentally ill. But I guess that wasn't on my list of expectations.

One thing I read the other day did make me feel less alone, less stigmatized. I was reading an interview with the well known and successful writer Kurt Busiek. In it he mentions a staff writing job he had with a major publisher. He thought things were going well until one day he was called into the Editor-in-Chief’s office and was told that he was being fired immediately for failure to follow editorial dictates. He stated in the interview I read that his department editor had only given him one “dictate” in the 18 months he had worked for him and he had immediately followed the editor's “dictates”. No complaints, he just did what he was asked to do. They couldn't be specific with him either. So he was gone. After a lengthy period of unemployment he was able to get back to work and is now well respected and well compensated. He is one of the stars in his field.

I don't expect to be a star in my field. But I am anxious to get back to work before I am too old to do the work.

Wow, how time flies

I had not realized how long it has been since I last wrote here.  I think it was about the time I went full time with Greater Lakes Mental Health.  And now, 2 years later, I no longer work for Greater Lakes.  Or anyone else.  It is time to get back in the habit of writing.
Maybe the next post will be about how I ended up out of work.  Or what it is like to live in a house of 4 adults, all of whom are related.  Or my experiences going to Comicbook Conventions starting at the age of 59.  Or why after all these years I decided to grow a goatee and cut my hair very short.
I guess I do have a lot to say.
Time to say it.