terminated

Today is almost 2 months since I was terminated. That sounds so much more final than fired. And I feel terminated.

My department manager called me in without warning to her office. Waiting in her office was one of the Human Resources people. I love the way that all the humans in a company are just more company resources, like printer paper or the vans that sit outside. Easily attained, easily disposed of, easily replaced.

The human resource person handed me a letter that told me that effective immediately I was terminated. There had been no discussions leading up to this moment. My department manager even gave me a card the day before thanking me for all my hard work in helping the Community Re-entry Program become a success. And the letter didn't shed any further light on the subject. It simply stated that I “had not met expectations”. No examples, no list of expectations; just that I had not met them, whatever they were. For all I know the expectation may have been that I would create a new source of energy between visiting clients. Or the expectation might have been that I “cure” all of my clients by my one year anniversary in this position. I went back and reread my job description and did not find any expectations that I had not met, successfully. Was there a super secret list of expectations for all employees that is locked in a safe somewhere in the building?

I was stunned by this action. I found myself speechless and unprepared to respond. How does one prepare for such vagaries? How does one work towards unseen or unknown goals and expectations?

I think they knew they were way out on a limb with my termination, as the human resource person rapidly stated that they would not contest my unemployment claim, they would pay me two weeks severance, and pay me for all my unused vacation time (almost 3 weeks; I only took a few days off in 2 years). But I was absolutely terminated, fired, expelled, regurgitated from the company and I was to get my things and leave immediately.

It has taken me two months to get to the point where I can begin to examine this occurrence. It doesn't help that this was done 2 weeks before Christmas. I did not detect a note of urgency being attached to my dismissal. It has taken them over 50 days to fill my vacated position. I knew that my department manager was not fond of me within a few months of my joining the department. But I did not realize the extent to which her animosity towards me had grown or why.

I was the “go to” guy on the team. Any unexpected problems arose I was the one who went and took care of them. From meeting clients at the state prison to taking them to urgent care, from driving a client who had been incontinent back to his motel room to counseling the pedophile client that no one else wanted anything to do with. And I didn’t complain. I liked pour clients. Even the ones with hostility issues towards whites or mental disorders that made them part of the lowest caste in our country. I liked working with them in jails, in prisons, in drug ridden parts of town, in mental facilities that were little more than warehouse for the mentally ill. But I guess that wasn't on my list of expectations.

One thing I read the other day did make me feel less alone, less stigmatized. I was reading an interview with the well known and successful writer Kurt Busiek. In it he mentions a staff writing job he had with a major publisher. He thought things were going well until one day he was called into the Editor-in-Chief’s office and was told that he was being fired immediately for failure to follow editorial dictates. He stated in the interview I read that his department editor had only given him one “dictate” in the 18 months he had worked for him and he had immediately followed the editor's “dictates”. No complaints, he just did what he was asked to do. They couldn't be specific with him either. So he was gone. After a lengthy period of unemployment he was able to get back to work and is now well respected and well compensated. He is one of the stars in his field.

I don't expect to be a star in my field. But I am anxious to get back to work before I am too old to do the work.